Putting away old photo albums and I’m noticing that I’m either 3 months or 4 years old in all our pictures.
3 years and 9 months of missing footage. Something big went down. I feel it in my joints.
*I was in the baby witness protection program.
*I was adopted illegally.
*They’re white, I’m half Mexican. It took them 3 years and 9 months to figure how to manage my hair.
*My toddler brother sold the camera for baseball cards that he later sold for beer cans (kind of a true story).
*No one cares about child #2
*They sent me back to the “Mothers Home” in Chicago to live with the nuns again until I could get my sh*t together…literally. “Don’t come back until you are potty trained!”
Anyway, in case you’re wondering, I’m overly tired and I drank a cup of coffee 45 minutes ago. This is my brain on caffeine.
#whatswrongwithmyeye #isthisreallyme #secondchildproblems
Mother’s Day 2018 (so far)
1. Still trying to master the ins and outs of having a shaved head. Apparently you have to dunk your entire noggin in sunscreen.
2. I’m thinking of doing a donut wall in place of an accent wall in our family room.
3. I tried to lay out for 20 minutes and almost melted my face off. Only 4-5 months until my favorite weather (68-78) arrives again.
Happy Mother’s Day friends and family! 😘
Between you and I…
I’m going through a major hair transformation so If you see me in the next 365 days, please focus on my hazel eyes, look at my pearly white teeth or check out my golden globes.
Just please ignore my hair.
Thank you in advance.
#worsebeforeitgetsbetter #choppedoffmyhair #changeisgood #readyforanewme #freedom #itllgrowback #itsjusthair #ivegotplans #hairslavenomore
Just caught the tail end of a news clip about a man who survived a bear attack and now a shark attack.
I’d like to reach out and explain to him that you can just as easily get an adrenaline rush from ordering Papa Johns Large 1 Topping Pizza, Garlic Knots and a 2 Liter Sprite (Promo Code 1299MEAL) while simultaneously watching Will and Grace reruns from the safety of your couch.
That’s my Grandma (my mom’s mom).
She lived in Florida.
She drove a Dodge Super Bee.
She could be as mean as an alligator which is ironic since her neighbor had a 6ft pet alligator named Susie.
Or maybe the neighbor’s name was Susie.
It doesn’t matter, the lady had an alligator as a pet.
That’s my brother.
He was Grandma’s favorite which is quite apparent since he’s sitting on her lap and I’m sitting in a box.
One last thing: I have the exact same hairdo from when I was a 1 and 1/2 year old.
This stalker waited 15 minutes for me to get out of my car so he could attack me.
I gave him an “amaro” filter so you can see first hand how creepy he really is. Watch your back people, he’s still at large.
There’s nothing more disturbing to me than Reba McEntire dressed up as Colonel Sanders.
#considermegone #disturbing #rebamcentire #colonelsanders #kfc #creepy #itaintright #desoave #humor