Some of you know.  Some of you don’t.   I’m somewhat of a medical catastrophe.  I try not to dwell on it but some of the stories are too ridiculous not to share.  You’ll hear about them from time to time.  I’ll just go ahead and apologize now.  

Here is my most recent fiasco…

I’ve been experiencing heart palpitations regularly throughout the day for months.  Every now and then, they’ll subside for a few days but then start up again.  They are not only annoying but disturbing as well.  Some are quick and fluttering but some make me stop and think…this may be the big one…the one that actually does me in.  But then, boop…my heart goes back to beating normally again.  I must say…it’s quite adaptable.  

Jane, (cardiac doc’s nurse) decided it was time for me to be placed on a 48-hour heart monitor.  Sidenote:  Jane is not her real name, but I love her.  If she’s just pretending to care, she should leave the medical field and become an actress.  That’s how good she is.  

While I was waiting my turn to check into the cardiac clinic, I heard the receptionist ask a man if he wanted his next appointment in the morning or afternoon.  Without skipping a beat, he told her, “I smell better in the morning.”  It took me everything not to laugh out loud but then I started thinking…do I smell better in the morning?  Is this something I should have been thinking about?  Should I make all my appointments in the morning too?  Maybe I need to change my deodorant.  

I envisioned the heart monitor as some binding device wrapped around my chest with complicated buttons and lights blinking on and off.  I was pleasantly surprised to find out it was small and compact.  I kept forgetting I had it on until I rolled over on it in the middle of the night and thought I had developed some strange growth.  I won’t lie, this happened more than once.

The monitor was placed on me on Wednesday at 10:00 am and removed on Friday at 10:30 am.  Before the monitor I probably had a hundred palpitations within a few months.  Once the monitor was placed on me, I had ONE within 48 hours.  ONE.  It’s like the monitor scared the bejesus out of them and now caring Jane thinks I’m a big fat palpitation liar.  

At least I don’t smell in the afternoon.  I checked.

DS