Out of reqs

Trying to watch a military inspired TV show with someone who served 26 years in the Air Force…

“Their hair is out of reg’s”

“That is not the real inside of a C130”

“That guy is too old to be a navy seal”

Me: Maybe we should watch ELF; that would probably be more realistic. 🎅


Life saving excuse

I’m in Texas right now. I’m tagging along with my husband while he takes care of business here.  He is not a big fan of going places without me and he doesn’t ask for much so these are the things I do to maintain “best wife” status.

So, I packed my athletic clothes and gym shoes in hopes to walk on the hotel treadmill.  Read a little, write a little and exercise a little.  I wouldn’t want to stress myself out.

Then I got to thinking…

We are staying on the outskirts of a big city and there are  not a lot of people at this hotel this week.  I envision myself in the gym with my headphones on, jamming to “What Ifs”, minding my own business and someone either hitting me over the head with a 10 pound dumbbell or putting their handkerchief (filled with chloroform) across my mouth, throwing me in an oversized laundry bin and adult- napping me right in the middle of the day.

People don’t think of these things and this is how Lifetime movies are made.

So now I’m basically reading a little, writing a little and worrying that the feds are going to start an investigation into why I’m googling chloroform.


This is me if I was blonde, had straight hair and I was 25 (35) pounds lighter.


Photo by Shutterstock.

Peculiar things

Yesterday, I had the most peculiar thing happen to me.

I’d been using this lotion for pregnant women (hey, as long as it doesn’t impregnate me, what’s the harm?) so I decided to try the companies “mint scent for tired pregnant legs”. Again, I’m not pregnant but I have been exercising (for 3 days) and my legs are really tired.

I hopped out of the shower (sorry for the visual but it’s a crucial part of the story), squirted the lotion on my hands (this is taking a weird turn, huh?) and massaged it into my legs (ankle to thigh). It felt great.

Until it didn’t.

The burning sensation started at my calves (not sure how my ankles escaped the fire) and it worked itself up to my thighs and then all the way up to my….yep you guessed it….My Lady Parts.

Here’s the mystery. Obviously, I didn’t put it THERE (I can’t bring myself to say it again). What do I do? I’d wipe it off, but I DID NOT put it THERE so there’s absolutely nothing to wipe off! It’s times like this when I wish we had a HAZMAT washdown station in the house.

I can’t go to the ER. I will not go to the ER. At this point, I can’t even phone a friend. That’s a lie, I could have phoned quite a few of my crazy friends but with my luck, I would have gotten lotion on the phone that would have surely gone directly in my eye. Then I would have two completely different body parts on fire and how in the heck would I explain that to the hot doctor that was on call that afternoon.

I decided to get myself dressed (in breathable fabric) and prepare myself in the event I needed to get professional help. And than something amazing happened….

It started cooling down, like a summer’s breeze and all seemed right in my world again.

Thankfully, none of my fragile body parts were injured. The “lady” was traumatized with this unfamiliar menthol sensation but she’s been through worse.

Customer Service at its finest

Customer Service (CS): Your middle initial please?
Me: M
CS: What does that stand for?
Me: Marie
CS: It says I need your middle initial.
Me: M (louder now, since I’m thinking he can’t hear me)
CS: What does that mean?
Me: Marie
CS: Middle initial please.
Me: M (even louder)
We did this dance 6 more times and at this point I’m saying M at 125.9 dB until…
CS: I’m just going to put M.
Me: Sounds good.